Fun Things To Make Fun of Pierre McGuire During the Stanley Cup Finals

Tonight kicks off the final culmination of the two teams left in the race for the Stanley Cup. And like many of you out there in California or anywhere else rooting for the Kings, or the tiny little blip in the tri-state area that's rooting for the Devils, you'll probably have to watch the game on NBC. Which means you'll have to deal with a lot of the voices of Doc Emerick, Eddie Olczyk, and Pierre McGuire.

As time has gone by in these Stanley Cup Playoffs, you learn to accept their voices, or inevitably switch to TSN. Myself personally, I'm annoyed by two-out-of-three of the NBC crew. Doc Emerick has credentials of being a fine commentator, but his colorful vocabulary and voice just rub me the wrong way. I'd much prefer to have Gary Thorne back, but for some reason he really wants to commentate the Orioles so, screw me right? Eddie Olczyk is the only one I can tolerate of the crew. He offers good insight on things, analyzes the game well, and makes good points considering he isn't interrupted by this guy...

For those who don't know what that sound is during NBC playoff games that makes their eye twitch, this is the culprit. His name is Pierre McGuire. He is a "Stanley Cup Winner" twice with the Pittsbrgh Penguins as a scout. He was also a a coach for the Hartford Whalers at one time. Now, he makes a living being a very, very annoying feature to the NBC broadcast team.

After watching my share of NBC games over the years, my animosity has turned into mockery. Here are some ways I'd like to give to the public to help come with the game tonight...



Comparison


Pierre McGuire is a very interesting fellow physically speaking. His bald head, thick glasses, and goofy demeanor just make him a specimen to look at. My golden comparison is to compare him to an anchovie from Spongebob. For anyone infantile like me that gets the joke, an anchovie from Spongebob is the perfect comparison for Pierre. Thick glasses, bald head, and oozing dorkiness are all there. To make it more fun, constantly say "meep" at the television anytime he interjects. Other comparisons can include: Dana Carvey's Turtle Man from The Master of Disguise, Sam from the board game Guess Who, literally anything penis-related.

Mannerisms


Pierre McGuire has a lot of ugly mannerisms that are easy to mock. For instance, Pierre likes to interject into the conversation between Doc and Eddie REALLY often. Mostly, he cuts off Eddie when he does it. I can just imagine that whenever it happens more than once, Eddie grimaces every time he's cut off, and turns red in the face out of anger. Another thing Pierre likes to do is stand creepily close to players he is interviewing. You may not notice it at first, but if he goes up to interview a player at either the beginning or end of the game, that's usually when it happens. It's very creepy.

How To Utilize

This is going to sound cliche, but if you really have self loathing for yourself and just feel like not being coherent, you can play the PIERRE MCGUIRE DRINKING GAME. Yes, some kind fellow out there in the blogosphere has done all of you alcoholics a favor by giving you guidelines on how to poison yourself tonight while enjoying a fine game of hockey. The card I have dug up applies to the World Juniors, which Pierre frequents, but here at the Clinic, we like to put a spin on things. So all of these rules are in effect for the 2012 Stanley Cup Finals, including these gems for ya.

• Replace the Gord Miller two-drinks rule to Ed Olyzck
• Three drinks if Pierre mentions the altercation between John Tortorella and Pete DeBoer.
• Two drinks if Pierre mentions Jeff Carter and Mike Richards 2010 Stanley Cup run on the Flyers
• Chug if you see Pierre duck out of the way of players checking in front of him

Now, of course we here at the Clinic promote the responsibility when it comes to drinking. We don't want anyone dying tonight, but if you find yourself watching the game and find yourself in pain after listening to Pierre McGuire for an extended period of time, and wish to dull the pain a bit, I don't know anyone out there who wouldn't blame you.